Demon Disgrace (Resurrection Chronicles Book 8) Read online

  I made a face.

  “But I don’t want to play spank-and-bite right now. My belly’s too full.”

  “You can walk downstairs on your own or I’ll carry you over my shoulder. You’re choice.”

  I glared at him, shot Emily the same glare, then slowly stood.

  “I’ll walk to the basement, but know that my compliance is only under duress.”

  “Just get down there,” Emily said. “You know you’ll feel better afterward.”

  “Says you. You haven’t had Merdon spank you yet, or you’d know that’s a lie.”

  Neither one seemed to care about my protests as I made my way downstairs. I looked at the mat and let out a whine.

  “Seriously, I’m going to get a belly ache. Had I known you’d make me do this, I wouldn’t have eaten so much.”

  “No, you are hungry. You need to eat.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m going to be throwing up all that important food the first time you do that weird ‘toss the Hannah’ thing you do.”

  I turned to face him and found myself sailing through the air exactly the way I warned him not to toss me. The landing was marginally softer this time, though.

  Groaning, I looked up at Merdon, who was carefully pinning me with just his hips.

  “See? You didn’t throw up.”

  “And what would you have done if I had thrown up.”

  “Feed you again.”

  I couldn’t stop my grin at his absurdity. As he stared down at me, something shifted in his expression. And in his pants.

  It wasn’t a small twitch, either. The thick length of him grew against me, giving credence to Mary’s claim of a rolling pin. He was huge. Like, bludgeon something with it, huge.

  My smile faded. Teasing thoughts fled, replaced by an image of a different kind of wrestling we could do.

  Gaze flicking to his mouth, I recalled the last time he’d kissed me. It’d been angry and intensely hot and had left me breathlessly confused and tingling in all the right places. Would I feel the same way if he kissed me like that again? My heart fluttered behind my ribs, and my breathing grew shallow.

  Without thinking things through, I threaded my fingers in his hair and lifted my lips to his. He jerked in my hold but didn’t pull away. I brushed my lips against his. They were warm and firm with slight bumps due to his longer canines.

  My fingers brushed against his ear, and his hips jerked against mine, sending a rush of heat through me. And a warning. I was playing with fire.

  I pulled back and looked him in the eyes.

  “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

  “I know.”

  “Should I stop?”

  In answer, he dipped his head, nipping at my bottom lip. I returned the favor then licked the spot. He growled and pulled my hands from his hair, pinning them to the mat above my head.

  I looked up at him, seeing his tense jaw and the way his pupils had dilated. Was this what Emily meant when she’d said he was struggling? Was he fighting his fey urges to bury his face, or other parts, between my thighs?

  My insides clenched at the thought, and my body had a mind of its own in response. My legs wrapped around him as my hips arched into his. Cradled against my sweet spot, his hard length rubbed me just right. I gasped and went to do it again.

  Except, he wasn’t there.

  I lay on the mat, spread out like a starfish, and he stood near the base of the stairs with his back to me. I scrambled to my feet.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked. “I thought you wanted that. I thought you wanted me.”

  He didn’t say anything, just continued to stand facing away.

  “What do you want from me?” I asked, my hurt and anger creeping in. “You say you don’t like being mean to me but yell at me all the time. You claim to want me, but you’ve taken off twice now. Dealing with my everyday Hannah thoughts is confusing enough. Don’t expect me to guess correctly about what you’re thinking or feeling if you’re unwilling to clue me in.”

  “I already told you,” he said lowly. “I won’t be manipulated.”

  “You think that’s what that was?”

  His silence spoke for him.

  “It sucks knowing you think so poorly of me. I’m not trying to manipulate you. I’m just trying to figure out how I feel.”

  “How do you feel?”

  I thought about it for a moment.

  “Free. Alive.”

  He turned toward me, a tempest of emotions in his gaze.

  “Don’t toy with me, Hannah.”

  “I’m not. I won’t.”

  He stalked across the room and grabbed the back of my neck.

  “My patience is limited.”

  “I know.” I grinned at the irony.

  His gaze dipped to my mouth, and a moment later, I was the recipient of another of his hot, intense kisses. It robbed me of thought and air. It ignited my whole body on fire.

  When he pulled away, I could only blink at him stupidly for a minute.

  “For the record,” I said when I could find my voice again. “I have never used my body to get my way. I knew that would be crossing a line I didn’t want to cross.”

  “You offered hugs.”

  “A hug was not what I was offering you just now. You know that, right?”

  He grunted and looked into my eyes.

  “You can’t offer what’s already mine.” His hands slid down my arms, prickling my skin in their wake. “I’ll have what I want…when I’m ready.”

  He kissed me hard again then left me alone in the basement.

  “Playing with it won’t make it taste better. Just put it in your mouth,” Merdon said.

  If only he was talking about something else and not the food on my plate.

  I gave Emily a reassuring smile.

  “Dinner’s amazing. I think I just ate too much for lunch.”

  I could feel Merdon studying me. Did he know I’d just lied? I sincerely hoped not.

  “You’re restless. Do you want to go back downstairs?”

  My fork slowed its idle poking as I stared at him in surprise. He hadn’t commanded it or said it angrily. In fact, he’d sounded downright hesitant.

  “No. I think I’ll go read.”

  He grunted and went back to eating his meal. I wrapped mine for later and fled to my room. While I might have evaded more basement time, I couldn’t escape my thoughts about what had happened down there.

  I paced and tried to decide how I felt about how I felt. It was crazy to be attracted to Merdon. He was too much. There’d be no getting my way in any relationship with him. Did I care? I hadn’t gotten my way so far, and things were good. Well, except the spankings. I thought of the butt rub after the last one and amended even that thought.

  So I liked everything he’d done to me? Not really. At least, not at the time he’d been doing them. But now, looking back, I saw his actions for what they were. An angry, intense man willing to do anything to save the woman he hoped to someday make his. If she lived long enough. And if he managed not to fill her with irrevocable hatred for him.

  There’d been so many ifs in his plan when it came to the outcome of my feelings for him. But two things had never been ifs in his mind. The first was saving me. The second was that I’d be his and no one else’s.

  I liked that. All of it. He took care of me even when I couldn’t or wouldn’t take care of myself. He put my needs first. Granted, I’d be overjoyed if he’d put my wants first, but Nancy had brought up a good point today. What I wanted wasn’t always what was best for me. Was I okay with giving up that control to someone else?

  That was the real question. It wasn’t about how I felt about Merdon but how I felt about what being with him would mean for me.

  Pacing my way into the bathroom, I got ready for bed then settled in with the book. It was the perfect distraction until my door opened.

  Once Merdon entered, I couldn’t focus on anything but him. He looked me over then went to sit in his chair. I turned o
ff the bedside lamp and studied him. Even in the semi-darkness, I saw the line of his strong jaw, the thick length of his thigh, and the enormity of the hand resting on it.

  “Do you ever sleep while I sleep?” I asked.

  “Planning on running?” he asked in return.

  “No. Not anymore. I’m asking because it’s not right that you go without sleep just to keep an eye on me. You deserve sleep, too.”

  I moved over and patted the empty side.

  “There’s plenty of room, and if you’re lying next to me, I’m betting you’ll feel every move I make. There’d be no sneaking past you. What do you say? Want to sleep with me?”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Just as Katie and I raced through the trees in our desperate attempt to outrun the infected, Merdon’s fingers stroked over my hair and woke me. I rolled toward him, needing the comfort of his presence. His arm wrapped around my middle and pulled me even closer to him.

  “I like this arrangement better,” I whispered.

  His hand smoothed over my back in answer.

  “Will the dreams ever stop? I hate reliving what I did. I hate being that person. Mean. Selfish.”

  “You didn’t kill your sister.”

  I lifted my head to look at him.

  “I stabbed her. I can still feel the blade in my hand; the way it stuck in her.”

  “She was dead long before the knife. The infected killed your sister. Hate them. Stop hating yourself. Then the dreams will stop.”

  I laid my head back down.

  “I killed her by running. I should have—”

  “No,” he said firmly.

  “If you’d died in her place, she likely would have died alone shortly after. You weren’t mean; you were surviving. Let go of the blame and the hate for yourself.”

  “I’m not sure how.”

  He grunted and continued to run his hand over my back. I exhaled heavily and soaked up the feel of his chest under my cheek.

  “How do you live with your past?” I asked.

  “I stay busy and do what I think would make Oelm proud.”

  I closed my eyes and tried to believe what he was saying. Would Katie have died on her own? With sorrow, I acknowledged she would have. After all, she’d died because she hadn’t been fast enough. We both hadn’t had the survival skills. We’d started developing those out of necessity. If the RV group hadn’t found me, I would have died on my own. Hell, I’d almost died with them.

  Yes, I’d left my sister behind. But it wasn’t that decision that killed her. The infected had killed her. And our ineptitude.

  If Katie were there right now, would she forgive me? I sniffed against Merdon’s chest, knowing I’d never have that answer. I realized that whether my past choices were right or wrong didn’t matter. What mattered was I hated that I’d chosen myself over her, and I needed to figure out how to forgive myself for it.

  Merdon was gone. It shouldn’t have surprised me, given he’d been letting me wake up on my own most mornings now. But I’d hoped I’d wake up snuggled against him instead of alone.

  Motivating myself to move, I grabbed clothes and shut myself in the bathroom. When I showered, I saw a razor waiting for me. I stared at it with a growing smile. Shaving would be nice. The trust that razor represented was even better.

  It took me a lot longer than usual to get ready for the day; but when I emerged, I felt surprisingly like the old Hannah. The one from before the quakes. Relaxed. Happy. Ready.

  With a bounce to my step, I headed downstairs and found Merdon and Emily having a quiet conversation at the kitchen island.

  “Morning,” I said with a smile.

  Emily stared at me.

  “You look…”

  “Amazing? Well-rested? Ready to make up for skipping last night’s dinner?”

  “Happy.”

  “I kind of am. Thank you to whoever left the razor. I feel transformed.” I looked at Merdon. “Basement time’s going to get trickier now that I’m more aerodynamic.”

  Emily snorted. Merdon didn’t look very amused. He didn’t look angry, either. He seemed rather indifferent.

  I frowned.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “I’m leaving.”

  “What? Why? For how long?” I could feel my panic rising. Whether he’d meant to be or not, Merdon was my anchor.

  “I don’t know.”

  “No. You don’t get to just up and leave. Remember all that dominant male chest beating you did? I’m yours and all that bull? You’re here for me. You stay for me.”

  He gripped my shoulders.

  “I did not beat my chest. You are mine. And I am leaving. You will be here, just as you are, when I return. Do you understand?”

  I stared up at him, my gaze trying to read his. He was afraid. He didn’t want to leave.

  “Don’t go,” I whispered.

  “We are both strong and will do what we must. Make your sister proud.”

  He leaned in and pressed a kiss to my forehead then left.

  I stared at the front door, dumbfounded.

  “What just happened?” I asked, looking at Emily.

  “I don’t know. He was a little quiet this morning, but I figured it was because he was tired.” She looked a little sheepish. “He told me he slept in the same bed with you last night and it was everything he’d hoped it would be.”

  “Then why in the hell would he pick today to leave? Did I drool on him too much or something?”

  She shook her head and gave me a clueless shrug.

  “Whatever. I don’t have the headspace for his games. I’m going to go practice.”

  “Oh, no you don’t,” Emily said in a scolding voice. “You barely ate dinner and now want to skip breakfast? I don’t think so. Sit.”

  It wasn’t just annoyance in her gaze when I looked at her, but worry. I quickly sat.

  “Sorry. I forgot. But I promise my stomach would have remembered before I made it a block down the road. Please tell me it’s another cinnamon roll this morning.”

  Her expression relaxed a little.

  “No. It’s baked oatmeal. I thought you could use something with a little more energy after hearing what practice has turned into.”

  “You should come with me today. Just to spectate.”

  “Maybe I’ll stop by. We’ll see how much time I have. Mary and I are doing the final preparations for tonight’s dinner date.”

  “Tonight’s the first one?”

  She grinned.

  “Who is the lucky pair?”

  “Newaz and Mila,” she said.

  I recalled Mila was the next Tuesday girl.

  “Does that mean today’s Tuesday?”

  “I have no idea. But it sure sounded official, didn’t it?” She grinned. “I sent Tor over with a handwritten note to expect her escort just before sunset.”

  “Before sunset? How is she getting home?”

  “Mary and I went back and forth on that. These girls are hungry, and we want them to know that these dinners aren’t just a hookup.”

  “Even though they are,” I said teasingly.

  She inclined her head at me.

  “But we don’t want them to feel that way. So, the note explains that it’ll be a long dinner and to pack an overnight bag. It stresses that she would be staying over at James and Mary’s place as a guest and would be provided breakfast before the fey takes her back home. I said that if any of it makes her uncomfortable, the fey would return her at any time with a full escort so she would be safe.”

  “No one’s going to want to be outside the walls after dark.”

  “Exactly. And everyone will get two meals out of the experience.”

  “And get to see that people are living well and harmoniously with the fey.”

  She nodded.

  I couldn’t help but be curious about what Mila’s reaction would be tonight.

  “Need any help, or just want some company as you eavesdrop from the kitchen door?” I ask
ed.

  She hesitated to answer and started playing with her fork.

  “It’s the alcohol, isn’t it?” I said.

  “Yeah.”

  I thought about how to put into words what I was feeling about my ability to stay away from temptation.

  “I drank to forget. But it was getting harder and harder to achieve that point of peace. Looking back, I can see what a mess I was. The things I did and how I hurt people. I know why you don’t want me to go back to that. Honestly, I don’t want to, either. Most of the time. And I know it’s the ‘most of the time’ that’s a concern.

  “You and Merdon can’t be with me every second of every day. Especially now.”

  I glanced at the door, missing him and wanting him back. Emily set down her fork.

  “I know that. He does too.”

  “Good. I feel better now, up here,” I said as I tapped my head, “than I did back then. Nancy told me I’d be tempted to drink again, and I think she’s right. However, I think I’m in a place where I can walk away from that temptation. And I’ll be with you and Mary and James, and we’ll all be very focused on something distracting and, hopefully, upbeat.”

  “I really want you to be there. I just don’t want to jeopardize all the progress you’ve made.”

  “And I don’t want my past problems to put a damper on what should be a crowning achievement for the matchmakers of Tolerance.”

  “Okay,” she said decisively. “You’re in. I’ll feed you lunch then let you wash up. After that, you’re my assistant.”

  Happy, I finished the oatmeal, which was amazing, and headed to practice. The sun shone like the day before. The wet drips from snow melting from roofs could be heard all around. And it smelled like spring. I knew not to believe it. Spring was a fickle tease like that, whisking in and out with the northern winds. But it still gave me hope that the world would warm and turn green again soon.

  Shax and Ghua waited with Brenna, Eden, and Angel at the practice area. I caught the tail end of Brenna’s comment as I approached the girls.

  “I just hate when they go off on their own.”

  “Who?” I asked.

  “Thallirin and Merdon.”

  “Where did they go? Merdon was pretty close-mouthed about it all.”